AccessGCC.com
is proud to add SEPTIC SUE the world-renowned
astrologer and fakir (or is it faker?) to our staff. There is no other quite
like her, each month she will bring her unique and uncannily accurate 'scopes'
to you, thereby making your life a tad easier to deal with!
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Aries
(March 21-April 19) |
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This month sees you afflicted by a nasty speech impediment....your foot! You will also be plagued by a compulsion to accept second hand gossip as fact, would you still be like that if you know what we all say about you behind your back? I THINK NOT! You must have a low opinion of people, if you think we are your equals… Talk is cheap. but that's OK - so are you!
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Taurus
(April 20-May 20) |
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Follow your heart this month where matters of romance matter, let it be your guide Taurus, and it will lead you in the wrong direction as usual. You're the best at all you do- and all you do is make people hate you. If at first you don't succeed...forget living altogether, you are really not very good at it are you? Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs louder!
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Gemini
(May 21-June 21) |
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"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt," So, keep it shut for a change! Not that you have ever listened to that advice before Gemini’s, but this time someone’s fist will shut it for you around the end of the month, get fitted for dentures now. Make the most of any spare time you can this month to wind up your affairs and write a will.
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Cancer
(June 22-July 22) |
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So many cheques, so little money so eat, drink, and be merry until the middle of the month, for soon they will cancel your credit card and all your goods will be repossessed. The rest of the month sees you living a mundane, pointless and completely disastrous life with no hope of happiness at all, but that usual for you anyway. Hard work never killed anybody...but why take chances is your motto.
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Leo
(July 23-Aug. 22) |
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The slobbering way you eat disgusts even the most revolting of other star signs, for goodness sake even Pisces cant stand it. Try not to eat this month and give us all a break! To err is human, and in your case very, very stupid, you should avoid heavy lifting, and operating machinery, or driving or walking or talking, as a matter of fact you should avoid breathing as well. This is not one of your best months I am afraid.
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Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22) |
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Your reckless disregard for the dangers transmissible diseases sees yet another hospital stay on the cards for you this month Virgo’s. Once things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat. Never put off to tomorrow what you can avoid altogether is my advice. Some drink at the fountain of knowledge...others just gargle, if you had half a brain you’d glue your underwear on.
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Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct. 23) |
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One of your greatest gifts, (in fact it is your only gift) is your knack for screwing up your life and the lives of all you come into contact with. This month sees you demonstrate this with much gusto and your tiny world will collapse around you, casing much mirth and sniggering amongst the rest of us! Thank goodness for people like you who bring laughter to the world.
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Scorpio
(Oct. 24-Nov. 21) |
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As life is so wonderful for us Scorpio’s we should use our numerous gifts to help others. We all know that laughter is the best medicine, so this month you should go up to every sick looking person you see and laugh hysterically at them, we must always think of the less fortunate and this is one of the ways in which we can help. As usual this month, skies are blue, birds are singing and life is fantastic.
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Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21) |
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Don't let your mind wander this month Sagittarius, it's far too small to be let out on its own. Your dignity and reputation are small prices to pay for satisfying that romantic calling, (which will turn out to be a wrong number) you won’t care though as a wrong call is better than no call at all. The 17th of this month sees you doing some soul searching an who knows you might just find one?
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Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19) |
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You're not yourself this month and we all will notice the improvement immediately! Whoever it was who told you to stop pretending and just ‘be yourself’ couldn't have given you any worse advice Capricorn’s. You always find yourself lost in thought - it's an unfamiliar territory, when it comes to your personal life and decision making, stay in the back seat where you belong,
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Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18) |
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Don’t worry, being mentally ill and seeking professional help is no big deal, as a matter of fact it would be worse if you were ugly…oops…you have nothing going for you at all then do you? Never mind, you can always fool people into thinking you have a nice personality by lying! Not that the 11 other star signs would be fooled, but there’s no harm in trying, it will keep you and all other Aquarians busy!
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Pisces
(Feb. 19-March 20) |
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Profiting from other people's misery is every what every Pisces excels in and that’s why no one likes you. If you were twice as smart as you are now, you'd be absolutely stupid. Don't you realise that there are enough people to hate in the world already, without your putting in so much effort to give us another? This month sees a brussel sprout ‘go down’ the wrong way, EAT YOUR GREENS!
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